I Hate Yardwork

Really, really hate it. Even though I can barely stop once I’ve started, I hate hate hate it. Why? Because it’s NEVER DONE. There’s always one more weed, one more leaf, one more bit of dirt not in its right place. And that’s the part that really gets me. Dirt being in its proper place. It’s DIRT! You spend hours or dollars to get all the dirt out of your home. And ten times that many hours or dollars to get it perfectly arranged outside. Only to have the wind gust it to the wrong place or the trees to dump even more leaves on it. Which requires raking/blowing/vacuuming which displaces the carefully placed dirt all over again.

WHAT IS THE POINT? Oh yeah, to have leafy greeny places to take us away from our urban lifestyles and give us some place to relax and contemplate in. ARRGGGHHH.

I realize many people find the act of gardening and yard work to be relaxing, fulfilling, and meditative. I am not one of them. But the sick part is twofold. I hate weeds and yard work is weirdly addictive once you start. I had only allotted myself two hours today to ripping up these obnoxious ornamental grass plant things that sprouted beautiful lily-like orange flowers that they’re selling for $5 a bunch at the farmer’s market. I could have made the cable bill off selling these except for one thing. The fiancé and I are horrifically allergic to anything even looking like a lily. I think we’re allergic to pictures of lilies in books and magazines. Lily season hits and we can’t breathe without 2 Zyrtec, a Claritin, and a healthy snort of cayenne pepper. Sometimes even that won’t work and we have to resort to shoving ice picks up our nostrils to get the breathing passages open. So the overgrown beauties had to go and of course, since I’m not working, I can’t justify paying someone to come rip them up.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why I didn’t pick all the lily-like orangey pretties and sell them before ripping them from the ground, it’s because I HATE YARDWORK and do not have the patience to pluck them in a fashion that leaves them in any state for resale.

So it starts with the flowering ornamental plants, which had damn near taken over all the other non-flowering/non-allergen ornamental plants but noooo it can’t end there. Once I have the target plants pulled up, it exposes all the weeds that have been hiding underneath them until they blossom up into huge bushes of weeds. So then it was onto the weeds which led me to the ivy. And boy let me tell you how much I hate ivy. I had to spend over a thousand dollars two years ago just to have the ivy dug up. Underneath the ivy was a veritable playpen’s worth of old rotten children’s toys, two dead trees, and three old fences. I may exaggerate in this post, but I’m not exaggerating about what was hidden in the ivy. They did a good job so I thought, yay, no more ivy. But it always comes back. Must be vigilant.

So now I’m digging into the stray strands of ivy (which I swear grow three feet a day) and I realize this one potted plant would look really good in the space I just cleared of the ornamental lily-like spots so it’s off to move the plant only to discover a whole new ornamental lily-like batch growing underneath the pot.

But now I’m focused on the ivy, particularly any that’s coming through the neighbor’s fence. This is the north neighbor, who we don’t talk about or to. They love ivy. I hate their ivy. Anyway, I have to keep on top of trimming the ivy back on that side of the yard. But in doing so I get entangled with my thorny rose bush and overgrown lilac tree. In order to get close enough to the tree to trim it back, I first have to trim back the rose bush, then the lilac tree, then I can get to the friggin’ ivy on the fence.

See? It NEVER FUCKING ENDS! After that I forced myself to concentrate on cleaning up the deck a little bit. Moving the grill to where we’ve been meaning to move it for two years, clear up some old leaves (always with the god damn leaves!), stuff like that. Which of course leads to me to notice that the hydrangea bush is hanging far too much over the deck and needs to be trimmed back.

And just when your back and knee are killing you and your hands are cramped into alien claws, you finally give yourself permission to call it quits. But then you realize you forgot to pick everything up and put it away for sure as shit it will rain tomorrow making it that much nastier to collect the yard debris and tools now starting to rust. And when you survey what turned out to be five hours of severely hard labor, all you can see is what still has yet to be done.

For all of you who love yard work and gardening and find solace in joy in growing things, I think you’re nuts. But I have a yard you will love. I will make you fresh lemonade, pour you cold beers, feed you canapés, whatever you want so that I don’t have to do the yard work or have to pay someone to do it.

See my yard? Isn’t it pretty? YOU take care of it.

Damn, will yard work be the thing that forces me back to a job so that I can justify the money to pay someone else to do it?